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SGTDF #10: A House Full of Soulmates

It’s been a minute, so I’m coming in HOT. I wanna talk about soulmates. Specifically, Ted Danson's explanation of soulmates from The Good Place:

“If soulmates do exist, they're not found, they're made. People meet, they get a good feeling, and then they get to work building a relationship.” 

Certainly I feel this way about Amanda, my wife, before whom I did not fully exist. But then we met on OKCupid and ten years on, I’m a better, more empathetic human who is able to share my existence with my favorite person I’ve ever known.I can hear my sister rolling her eyes at me.

But what I love about Michael’s definition is that it opens the “soulmate” label beyond romantic love. Friends, siblings, animals. 

Amanda and I have an iconic ecosystem right now: our dog Russell (aka Russell-buddy aka Russell-bud aka Russell-buddy-dude aka Zoinks), whom we adopted from an LA shelter in late 2018. 

Crouton (aka Croots aka Crooty-dude aka Croodely-doodely aka Crudités aka The Main One), whom we adopted as a kitten from a different LA shelter during lockdown in January 2021. 

Finally, we have Frankie (aka Frankie-babe aka Frankalicious aka The Potato), who adopted us in the fall of 2022, when she started showing up on our deck and decided she was going to live here. 

I like thinking about my relationship to our pets, both as a group and individually, and now you’re going to think about it too. And I feel like it’s important for you to know this was edited down. Like, a lot. I've never really considered writing a memoir but now I think I'd like to write one using each animal I've lived with as touchstones.   

RUSSELL-BUD 

Russell is my Snoopy. He is my ever-present shadow, my little duder-man. He is in my office with me every day as I work. He’s my best bud. Since I work from home and Amanda typically works in an office, most of the words I say throughout the average weekday are to him. I said “say” but what I mean is “sing.”

I often sing to him in the tune of David Byrne’s “Big Business” (“Love youuu Russell-bud!”). Sometimes it’s “Rusell-bud” to the tune of the music from the old video game Bubble Bobble. Usually it’s just nonsense because he’s so fucking cute. I assume other people do this to their pets. 

There is a lot to love about Russell, but one of my favorite things is that everyone who meets him loves him. Strangers on the street, little kids at the park, friends, neighbors. People drive by and smile at him. Maybe they smile at all dogs. I do.But to see people not only noticing our dog, but to actually have a genuine reaction to him, it brightens whatever dark moment I might have had earlier in the day. “I feel like he’s looking into my soul” is a comment we’ve heard more than once (but not as many as “I love his underbite”).  

His underbite is very cute, thank you, it makes him look like both an Ewok and a Wookiee, but sometimes he’s got a double underbite happening and I’ll call him Wolfman.Every morning, he gets some great pets before getting out of bed, we call it his nose-to-toes deep tissue massage. His dream barks are so precious it makes me puke. Sometimes he’ll snort at us if we’re not giving him The Treat that Was Promised fast enough. 

He doesn’t care about balls or tug toys, but he’ll bop along on the beach or sprint through the grass. He’s great around other dogs but doesn’t v i b e with just anyone. But when he does, the cutest zoomies in the land.He’s goofy, he’s sweet, he’s a little mischievous, and he’s a patient boy (he’ll wait, he’ll wait, he’ll wait). One time we were at a restaurant in town we’d never been to before and the server knew us because we walked by there every day with a cute dog. Everybody loves Russell. 

But we like to say that while every dog is a good dog, not every dog is an easy dog.  

 Russell's first day home. He got a glow up.

Russell is easy in a lot of great ways. He’s a wicked beta, will let the cats lick him and generally boss him around, he’s great around people, other animals, and children, he’s (usually) pretty good on walks and is great with bathroom stuff. If Russell had a Dungeons & Dragons alignment, it’d be Lawful Good. 

Buuuut he’s also got separation anxiety and care for him when we travel gets complicated, especially now that we’re in Maine. It’s so much better than it used to be — sometimes we joke that Russell prepared us for lockdown in 2020 because the year leading up to that was us learning to live with a dog that could barely be left alone without barking himself hoarse. 

We worked on it and we managed it, but then we were all trapped inside with each other anyway. COVID was miserable for everybody, but I’m confident that Russell loved it. In any case, Russell is much better now, particularly since we’ve been in Maine.He waits patiently on the back of the couch, looking out the window when we leave. We have cameras to check on him. But usually, he’s on the couch and the cats are perched, sound asleep. 

All of this is to say that Russell is a different dog than when we first met him, and we are different people. I think all around, it has been for the better. He especially blossomed once we arrived in Maine — he didn’t love the first time he ever walked in snow, and I get it — but we soon learned he LOVED the beach, loved frolicking in the grass, and was, perhaps, the fastest dog alive.His life in LA was so constrained — small parks, small apartment, mostly concrete under foot — to see this other world open in front of him also helped me see it. I love Maine, in part, because all of my soulmates love it, too.  

CROOTY-DUDE

 We adopted Croots in the heart of lockdown. We’d gone to a shelter to meet a specific kitten we saw on their Instagram. Her littermates were around, and there was one going absolutely batshit crazy climbing on his enclosure. We clocked him and decided we were thankful we weren’t there for that one. That very same agent of chaos came to live with us a few days later. 

There were a few days of excellent kitten shenanigans. Russell was so good with him around. Crouton was bouncy and silly and would curl up under my chin. Pretty quickly we learned the shelter had given him to us with ringworm, which obviously spread to the rest of us. 

For months, we had a quarantine-within-our-quarantine, a goofy silly kitten stuck by his lonesome in one wing of the apartment, a couple and their doofy dog in the other.We would have to change clothes entirely to go in and out of Crouton’s quarantine zone. There were a million vet appointments, special baths. So. Much. Cleaning. It was awful, deflating, and stressful. Eventually we were clear and reintegrated, and Crouton was… kind of annoying?!

What I mean is, it took me a while to understand and appreciate what Crouton brings to the table. It wasn’t until our drive across country — me, Amanda, Russell, and Crouton — from LA to Maine that a little piece of my heart became Crouton’s forever.He was so EXCITED to be in the car and be on adventure (we often joke that if Crouton was asked to get in a rocket, he’d reply, “FUCK YEAH, I’ll go to space!!”). He used the litterbox while I drove, he made himself at home in every hotel room, he snoozed on the dashboard. He was psyched. By the time we made it to Maine, I was all in on Crooty-dude.  

Crouton is the definition of Main Character Energy. Crouton is a cat that even people who don’t like cats like. He’s outgoing and curious, will greet every guest with enthusiasm and the energy of a kindergartener who wants to show you this cool thing they drew.He also bites us every day. It’s his favorite pastime, along with curling up on my lap for hours at a time or snuggling next to Russell or waiting for me on the bathmat while I take a shower. He loves coming outside with me when I specter. 

 When the weather is nice and the windows are open, he loves to hang out in the window and watch the action. The front windows are pretty close to the street and we’ll often hear people complimenting him as they walk by. He doesn’t care about the vacuum, but there’s this one toy that scares the shit out of him. 

He thinks he’s an alpha, but as soon as Frankie steps to him, he scurries away with his tail down. He loves boxes and paper bags and he does the butt wiggle when he pounces.We have a thousand scratching posts and he uses the couch instead. He will ride on my shoulders, he will pass the Dangle Test with flying colors. Sometimes after I brush him, I put the excised hair on his head like a toupee. The point is: Crouton contains multitudes. "He's small today."Some days he’s big and some days he’s small. If it’s a big day, he’s stretching out and getting long and chasing Frankie around and being generally gregarious. If it’s a small day, he’s curling up cozy on a blanket and making himself round and tight. He’s lurking in shadowy corners and loafing on the cat perch.I’ve never known a cat with such a large and complex personality and the other day I told Amanda that I couldn’t believe there was a time when I wasn’t that into him. 

But to understand Crouton, you also must understand Reebo (aka Reebs aka Reebatron aka Reeby-deebies aka Reeb-a-deeb).  

REEBO (AN ASIDE)

Crouton was the first cat to come after Reebo, my Dæmon, the cat I met when I was 22. Crouton, unfairly, had an uphill battle in my mind and my heart.  One time I told someone that Reebo was my Dæmon and they asked how old I was when he died (I was 33). They basically asked how I knew I wouldn’t have another connection like that in the years yet to come. And I said I JUST KNOW, OKAY?

But the truth is, the memories of the day to day with Reebo fade. We have an incredible portrait of him hanging in our living room, a beautiful piece by my friend Jonathan Moore, and I look at him every day.His picture is in a frame on my dresser and the mousepad my mom made for me 15 years ago. We conjure the sound of his meow with ease. I can remember how his little chin would jut out when you scratched it because he didn’t have any teeth. But it’s hard to remember living with him, because so much of the routine has changed.   

Reebo was so important to the survival of my twenties, a time in my life that I can see from a distance and therapy that I was depressed and not addressing it in a healthy way. It was a mess, but Reebo was always down for whatever.He had a lot of medical heavy lifting throughout the years — one time he literally died and my friend Meggi restarted his heart while driving him to the hospital (he lived for another 8 years) — but all things considered, he was incredibly adaptable. We moved from New York to Los Angeles, from Los Angeles to the Berkshires, the Berkshires back to Los Angeles, not to mention all the apartments and relationships in between. He was a critical lifeline in a critical time.  

He died in the evening, after we’d hosted our friends at our monthly potluck. During the party, he lounged wherever he wanted just like he always did, present and around but not particularly bothered with anything other than some food sometime soon, please? 

He jumped onto our bed like he did every night, except this time he suffered heart failure and died in front of us on the floor of our bedroom. It was awful. I rode with him on my lap in the passenger seat, rushing to the 24-hour vet knowing it was too late.There is a video I took of him earlier that day and I still can’t bring myself to watch it, worried I might notice something I didn’t at the time, something that could have changed things.  Having to see Amanda go through it, too, made it worse. They’d bonded quickly after we met and even drove across the country alone together. This was a devastating loss to our household but I’m glad we were with him when it happened.A friend who was at the potluck told us maybe Reebo could sense that we were at ease, surrounded by friends, and decided we’d be okay. I think about this a lot and it comforts me.  

Reebo was not an easy cat to take care of, medically speaking, but he was generally a good sport. But it made routine important and a lot of our day-to-day logistics often worked around some of Reebo’s medical needs.  

When Reebo died, it wasn’t just the lack of his little floppy body milling around, it was also the sudden lack of routine that surrounded it. That was a really hard adjustment.Intellectually, I know it will happen again and the cycle will repeat. I could have never imagined another cat after Reebo, but I just spent like a thousand words fawning over Crouton. 

Learning to love and appreciate Crouton’s wildcard energy helped me recognize that getting to know your next soulmate is the whole point, after all. People meet, they get a good feeling, they get to work building a relationship.It took me and Crouton a while to get there, but our move to Maine really sealed the deal. 

FRANKIE-BABE

Frankie's first day as an EspleausitoFrankie fills my heart in a way that’s hard to describe. She is the sweetest cat I’ve ever met, yet also the most fierce and independent. She follows us around waiting for us to stop walking so she can climb up and be held like a toddler. Holding her in one arm while doing everything with the other. I can’t say for sure it’s related, but I recently developed tendonitis in my right arm.Sometimes we just sway back and forth. 

At the same time, I’ve seen her bare teeth at a potential threat outside the window. I’ve heard her make the scariest “don’t fuck with me” cat noise I’ve ever had the pleasure to hear. I’ve watched her slap down Crouton when he was overdoing it, and I’ve been the blessed recipient of the carcass of the rodent she hunted in mere MINUTES when she wandered out of the house one time.Most of all, it’s the fact that she was a stray cat who survived a Maine winter or two, enduring who knows what, before she found us — and is still the most precious Being I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.The warmth she gives off is just pure light, like she’s so glad to have found us and loves being a part of our family, but also, fucking feed me already, you plebe.   

Frankie has more Stranger Danger than the other goons, and will often hide if there’s a new voice in the house. She’s gotten much better with this lately — we had a new D&D group over recently, including multiple first-time visitors, and she was more than happy to come downstairs and make an appearance. Maybe she just wanted to bat around the dice, but it made my heart swell. 

She’s not a lap cat like Crouton; she’s always very Busy. When we catch a glimpse of Frankie scurrying around someplace, we’ll say, “Frankie’s busy.”There’s a visible surprise and celebration when she stays on your lap for more than a few minutes, but she’ll lay very close. Sometimes she just stays in her Queen Position — in the middle of our bed — in a perfect loaf, but usually she’ll make an appearance during TV time to get some pets or start some shit with Croots.She looks like a Tanooki suit from Super Mario Bros. 3, she never scratches the couch and always uses her scratching post, but her long hair results in some gnarly hairballs. She can’t get the hard-to-reach crunchies out of her slow feeder, so we’ll inevitably dump them out for her Worshipfulness.

Frankie and I usually have our peak bonding time very late at night while I’m up reading. She’ll come and lay on my chest and let me pet her for as long as I’m able. It’s the only time she sticks around at length. Maybe it’s because we’re the only two heartbeats still awake in the house. She’s the sweetest. 

Frankie first showed up on our deck on October 10, 2022. I know the date because there are a bunch of photos on my phone documenting it. Neighborhood cats are common around here. 

It’s not abnormal to have an extra pair of eyes lurking from the woods as you sit around the fire, a cat sniffing around the back patio, or little cat prints dashing across the snow on the garage rooftop. Sometimes a cat pees on the cover of the grill and it’s infuriating. 

Typically, if we see a cat hanging around our house, it scurries off as soon as it sees people or Russell-bud. But not Frankie. She wanted to weave between your legs, purring and mewing the cutest mew I’d ever heard. Right away I thought it was the friendliest cat I’d ever met. It tip-toed along the railing of our deck, jamming its head into our hands. When Frankie first came around.

 We went inside and she eventually left, but she started showing up frequently. She would sleep on the patio furniture, making herself comfortable. Crouton was obsessed with her — always just staring at her through the glass door. (He is still obsessed with her)Eventually, Amanda put signs up around the neighborhood with her picture to see if it was anyone’s cat. We just couldn’t believe she was a stray, she was too sweet. We put a little cozy hut for her outside and started giving her food once in a while. We started calling her the gender-neutral Frankie (though named for Frankie Bergstein, we were in the middle of a Grace & Frankie rewatch) because we weren’t sure. 

Eventually a neighbor called and confirmed she was indeed a stray and they’d fed her a couple times. They also suggested she’d had a litter of kittens at some point who are also still in the neighborhood, but that another neighbor was trying to sell them. (What the fuck?)

 This was enough information to decide to trap her and get her to our local cat shelter. It happened that yet another neighbor was a volunteer there.On Halloween Night, Amanda managed to wrangle Frankie into a carrier and get her to the neighbor’s. I remember we talked a lot about if we were going to take her in or not. I really liked this cat but I was also nervous that it might be too much. A month after we first met on our deck, Frankie was sitting on the inside of our window sill looking out.  Of course, there was never any question that we would take her. I was in love with her on day one. She's from Maine. 

-Joey

P.S. Amanda bought me Kathleen Hanna’s memoir, Rebel Girl: My Life as a Feminist Punk, and it is great. I don’t think you have to be a Bikini Kill fan to read and appreciate it (but it helps). P.P.S. I am loving the new Destroy Boys record, Funeral Soundtrack #4. Rips. P.P.P.S. There's some crazy shit happening in my hometown (again).  

The last time we talked, THE PEDESTRIAN was just about to come out. Now? The first volume is complete and you can buy the collected trade paperback or read it online! Also, the reception has been incredible and we were lucky enough to get placed on a bunch of "Best Comics of 2024" lists. Pretty rad!!!!

I've also launched a new series called SHITKICKERS, co-created with Andrea Schiavone, under my own banner called Soup Dad Comics, that we're crowdfunding on Zoop! You can read issue #1 for FREE right here, and then head over to the Zoop campaign to signup for notifications about when we launch! We'll be raising funds for issues #1 and 2, including exclusive variant covers from the incredible Declan Shalvey and Seth Damoose, so I hope you'll check it out.